How To Survive An Affair

Once You Get Over The Initial Shock And Trauma, You Have  a Very Real Problem… How To Rebuild Your Marriage And How To Survive An Affair


Affairs happen for many reasons. Well meaning but annoying people may already have told you that “happily married people don’t cheat”. Well, be that as it may, MANY people who are not in the midst of a perfect time in their marriage manage to remain faithful to their wedding vows and their spouse. You were probably one of them. But now you have a very real problem. Are you willing to try and rebuild your marriage and how on earth can you do so when you are weighed down with anger, grief, humiliation and fear?

When you first learn of your spouse’s affair there are several ways you can react:

  • denial – you want to pretend that things are fine. You want to save face for yourself and your children and have an underlying fear that a divorce would alter your life in a way you unprepared for. You think this is “just a phase” your spouse is going through and if you just “ride it out” the matter will resolve itself. This might sound crazy to some of you, but don’t judge. This is a by product of shock for many people who just find out that their “perfect” life was a sham and their spouse is cheating
  • drama – you want to take a kitchen knife to your spouse! You talk to your friends, family, co workers and anyone who will listen about your suspicions and how you have been wronged. You feel completely victimized and try to enlist your family, friends, kids (come on, you know better) against your spouse.

Here’s the truth. Affairs DO NOT happen in isolation. At some time in the future you are going to have to examine what part your role in your relationship played in the affair. But now is not the time. The other truth is that neither denial or drama is going to be a resourceful response. I know it’s a hard truth, but it must be recognized.
If you have just discovered or suspect that your spouse is having an affair, try and work through these practical steps.

Trust Your Instincts
If you suspect something is wrong, there probably is. The most subtle signs that your spouse is cheating are not lipstick stains on the collar, but a withdrawal of physical and emotional intimacy. When you question your spouse about their whereabouts or whom they are talking to on the phone, they are vague or defensive. You know the signs. It’s is probably a combination of many subtle things that make you suspect an affair is happening. Trust your instincts.

A more complete list of cheating signs can be found here……..WIVES CLICK HERE HUSBANDS CLICK HERE

Don’t Speculate, Investigate
Hysterical accusations without facts to back them up are not helpful. They will just put your spouse on the defensive and teach them to cover their tracks better. You hear it all the time, “knowledge is power”. There are plenty of ways to gather evidence against your spouse without going to the extremes of hiring a private investigator. The two easiest and cost effective things to do are:

  • reverse trace any suspicious cell phone numbers Click here to immediately find out whose calling
  • gather DNA evidence using a kit ..that’s a little more expensive but if you are determined to play CSI you can get many kits for under $100

You should also be aware that many of the signs of cheating could also be signs of some kind of addiction, so make sure you are not dealing with an addiction problem (alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling) before you accuse your spouse of cheating. All of these are huge problems, but you need to be sure which one it is you’re dealing with.

Enlist Help
You are going to need the support of loved ones and possibly even the help of professionals to help you stay strong, focused and rational during this hard time. Be smart with whom you chose to confide. Avoid  confiding in friends and co workers who are overly dramatic and gossip. Enlist the help of family and friends who can stay calm and focused on solutions, not on wanting to just throw your spouse under a bus.

Protect Yourself Sexually, Physically, Legally and Financially
Be smart and protect yourself. You may feel that even if your spouse is cheating they are still a decent person and would never want to hurt you. Well, that may still be true, but they could still be about to destroy your life as you know it without meaning to. Immediately protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases. If you are still intimate with your spouse, start insisting that you only practice safe sex. Ideally you should insist that they get a clean bill of sexual health from a doctor. But keep in mind that many STDs have incubation periods where no symptoms are present, so even this isn’t a guarantee. You don’t won’t to be the person who was completely monogamous for 10 or 20 years and then ended up with an STD anyway.
In many marriages the organization of the finances falls on one party. Are you fully aware of your financial status? Both parties in the marriage are liable for the debt accrued during the time they were married. Does your partner have other bank accounts, credit cards or debt of which you are unaware? How much do you owe on your mortgage? How much is your monthly income and could you cover these costs alone? Start thinking about this now. Print out  statements of your current bank accounts, retirement and investments accounts. Start talking to people who have been through a divorce and at least start being aware of your options.

Confront Your Spouse
Once you certain that your spouse is having an affair, you must confront them. Don’t bury your head in the sand and hope it will just go away. As much as possible, try to plan this conversation to occur at the optimal time. “Bad” times include when they are on the way out the door, ANY time your children are around or late at night when you are both exhausted. If you fear your spouses response might be in any way violent, consider having a calm witness present, but avoid making your spouse feel “ganged up on”.
Take Inventory of Your Marriage
Now is a time for hard decisions. You need to take inventory of your marriage and see how hard you are willing to work to save it and if you even want to. This is a highly personal area and one area in which you are really going to have to rely on your support system for guidance and help. Factors to consider are:

  • how long you have been married
  • your religious beliefs about divorce
  • the reason for the affair. There is a vast difference between someone who is a chronic philanderer, someone who gets drunk and lonely and has sex with a stranger one time, someone who is having an emotional affair with someone they may never even have met, or with someone who is involved in a long time affair with someone with whom they are in love and want to  spend the rest of their life.
  • how will this affect your children? Divorce is never great for children. But neither is living in a tension filled house with the after affects of a divorce if the parents cannot properly reconcile and try to rebuild the marriage
  • the financial implications of a divorce
  • is your spouse willing to put an immediate end to the affair
  • is your spouse willing to do the hard work to repair the marriage
  • are YOU willing to do the hard work? Can you and will you make every effort to forgive and rebuild trust, or will you play the martyr or bring the affair up in every argument that happens for any reason throughout the rest of your marriage?

Begin The Process of Rebuilding Trust
If you and your spouse are fully committed to rebuilding your marriage, you have a long road ahead of you. But there are many professional resources out there to help you. Many have step by step instructions and proven methods that have been successful in rebuilding the marriages of thousands of couples. Many even claim that their marriage is even stronger than before.
It is true that affairs do not happen in a vacuum. Any time one partners tries to fulfill a need outside of their marriage that should be being met inside their marriage (whether that need was for physical or emotional intimacy, to feel respected, appreciated or admired or whatever) their is a joint responsibility. For many couples an affair is a by product of bad marriage habits and both parties neglecting to make the health of their marriage a top priority.

Good news: There are many good resources available at very affordable prices that can help you survive an affair.

These are the top recommended products:

 

 

How To Survive an Affair by Breakthrough Learning Institute

  • Best overall value
  • Based on over 35 years research and counseling experience of Dr. Gunzburg PhD
  • Step by step structured help and guidelines
  • 3 phase process for success focuses on:
  1. healing yourself and dealing with your own traumatic emotions (a critical step most programs miss)
    2.   moving on to healing as a couple
    3. finally rebuilding your relationship and setting the foundation for transforming your marriage into something stronger
  • complete manual and workbook to help you apply the solid strategies
  • over 15,000 satisfied customers
  • 100% money back guarantee
  • FREE resources on the MarriageSherpa.com website including a 21 Step “Spontaneous Healing Guide” – if you do nothing else make sure sign up for this free guide

 

How To Break Free From The Affair by Dr. Bob Huizenga

 

  • Longest selling ebook in the surviving infidelity niche
  • Based on Dr. Huzenga’s extensive experience as a marriage counselor and therapist
  • On-going newsletter support and a phone number with real people!
  • Different price packages available for different budgets
  • Easily laid out and easy to read
  • 100% satisfaction guarantee
  • FREE e-mail series – sign up for the free report if you do nothing else!

 

On a tight budget? Check out our 3rd pick!

Affair Repair by Kara Oh

 

  • Best for those on a tighter budget – only $37 – Is it worth $37 to rebuild your marriage?
  • Provides strategies and step by step manual of techniques to get out of the bad habits that many relationships have fallen into
  • Ebook with an audio version provided free for your convenience
  • Additional resources provided – “Creative Ways To Tell Him You Love Him” and “Creative Ways To Tell Her You Love Her”
  • 100% Guarantee – take up to 8 weeks to review the information to see if it’s right for you!

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